The Columbia River

Next to Lake Superior my favorite body of water. It goes from the dryness of the desert to the moistness of the Pacific Coast and the scenery is breathtaking as you can see in the photos.

(Moving left to right)

Pic 1 is of the Columbia in E. WA.

Pic 2 is of the Colubmia as it forms the WA/OR border.

Pic 3 is of the Columbia taken from the OR side outside of Portland.

Mt. Adams

This is a picture of Mt. Adams. It's a little shorter than Mt. Rainier, but not by much. It is closer to where I am living and therefore looks much, much bigger. I can see it clearly on I-82 when I drive into work and can be seen from town. This is not an exaggeration but the thing is fucking huge.

River Canyon

I figure the folks at home want to see some pics of where I am living so here's another one. This is a pic of the Yakima River Canyon, which my in-laws drove me and my sister through. Absolutely breathtaking scenery. The road starts in Selah and then terminates just outside of Ellensburg, WA. Take this detour if ever given the chance.

Yakima

Here's what Yakima looks like from the West. The very large mountains are west of the city so they are behind you in this view. The city is surrounded by very large hills, which would be considered mountains east of the Mississippi.

They Don't Have This In MI

This is a pic of Mt. Rainier. I can see the tip of this humongous mountain every day when I drive to work and can walk outside of the courthouse and barely see its summit peaking over the other mountains. Pretty fucking cool.

The Things People Do For Money

So last night I'm bored and watching TV. My in-laws do not have any movie channels so I've been watching a lot of Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network and the Discovery Channel. I've become a Deadliest Catch junkie, which my wife noticed when I was calling my fellow District Court DPA's "greenhorns". Fishermen seem like a different lot to me. Cool to watch the crab get on the boat and watch the pots spin around on the lines. Reminds me of watching engine heads sway on the hoists when I worked at Galaxy Precision in my younger and dumber days.

Anyway, I was watching "Man vs. (versus in case Al Rapoport is reading this) Wild" last night and the host is tramping around Kenya looking for the Circle of Life or the Circle of Poo or something similar to that. He's waxing about how one can deydrate in the savannah. Then he picks up a freshly laid elephant log, holds it over his face and starts squeezing the water out of the elephant chip like it's Yoo-hoo or something. You can hear him gagging as the liquid hits his throat. I about died laughing. So let me get this straight now...you're lost in Kenya dodging lions and hyenas and need a drink but there are no drinking fountains around. Well shit might as well pick up an elephant loaf and treat that like a bottle of Dasani. Who knows what kind of funky parasites you're picking up or what elephant cholera will do to you but you'll live another hour. All good in the hood.

Another episode had the host tramping around a glacier, jumping into rivers and then stripping down naked and doing jumping jacks to keep the blood flowing. That was pretty fucked up there. The dude is insane. And it's cool to hear him talk. Glacier becomes "Glassierre". Reminds me of a Drew and Mike skit I heard on the WRIF in the late 90's around Detroit where they had a British guy say the word "boner" over and over again because it did not sound crude coming out of the mouth of a English dude. They're laughing their asses off and the British guy is oblivious and asking the DJ's if he was saying something "randy". Damn straight he was.

For some reason "Family Guy" is always on, especially the Cartoon Network, and I cannot figure out why some people swear by this show. It's moderately funny but an obvious Simpsons/South Park rip-off. I can watch a new episode of South Park and guaranteed within a few months Family Guy will rip off that episode of SP with their not quite as funny take on the same subject matter. But Family Guy is better than watching HouseHunters or the other assorted crap on the HGN network or TLC. I have really gotten hooked on Robot Chicken and Metalocalypse. And thank you jesus there is a new season of Venture Brothers going on right now. That keeps me sane. Dr. Girlfriend rocks.

El Feaze Shabazz

Homeward HO!

So on Friday, July 4, I finally arrived in Pasco, WA at approximately 4 pm. I was exhausted after driving that damn truck for 4 days with no AC and through some pretty perilous mountain passes. I had to navigate truck stops where I was the outsider desperately trying to fill up the Behemoth so I could get the hell out of there. And there was Iowa where I was pushed to the limits of my endurance in an opportunity to cross into South Dakota. The day always ended at some shit motel with much needed libations to be had afterwards. My sister was a trooper the whole trip. No bitching and she kept up the pace and her driving kept the gas cost on the Grand Prix to a minimum. Her trip odometer said that we had come some 2300 miles. Not bad.

My in-laws welcomed us with cold Kokanee and some much needed chow and I was in bed by 10 o'clock. I had only 3 days before I started the new job, but it felt like an eternity. Early Sat morning we unloaded the truck and much to my chagrin I noticed that some berrylicious body wash had tripped all over my suit coats. You know those things I have to wear in court to play attorney and what not. And of course I discovered this on a Sat of a holiday weekend in a place where not everything is open on a holiday weekend like dry cleaners! Luckily one of the suit coats was machine-washable. That was my Mon suit and the other 3 had to be dry cleaned. I was not a happy man but it was typical of my luck.

The truck was unloaded and dropped off. I was thankful to be rid of that burden. The truck cost me almost $1900 and sucked gas like a dung beetle. It sucked to drive and I lost 10lbs in water weight. But it served its purpose.

Sat afternoon we went to a pool party where I enjoyed many a West Coast libation, tanned my gut and played "Washoes", which is like horseshoes but with big washers. My wife's family is a hoot.

Sun we toured up to Yakima where I get acquainted with I-82 and its fine contours. Awe inspiring was bearing witness to the sight of Mt. Adams looming on the horizon and then spying the top of Mt. Rainier peaking over some smaller mountains.

I saw where I was going to be living in Union Gap and spied a fine libation serving establishment walking distance from the crib called the "James Gang Tavern". I wonder if this is a place is an acceptable establishment for fine young prosecutors that dress very casually when they are not playing lawyer? I guess I'll find out.

Downtown Yakima looks nice with some grunginess thrown in. Readers of a previous blog entry know that there are fine eating establishments nearby not named "Sally's" or Subway. I've also been introduced to some fine libation serving establishment where the local bar likes to hang out such as Bob's Cork and Tap, which serves fine exotic wines and appetizing libations.

After a visit to downtown Yakima, we took a tour of the Yakima River Canyon, which has a "National Scenic Highway" designation with good reason. Beautiful drive with my sister telling me after I remarked for the 10th time "Yeah, and you get to live here." Very true.

Then we toured up to Ellensburg, where we drove around the campus of Central WA University and then it was on to Vantage where you can catch a view of a canyon cut out by the Columbia River. Then we followed the Columbia River back to the Tri-Cities.

The next day I would start the job. And that is a blog in of itself where I have to post a picture to go along with it.

El Feaze Shabazz

Flip Flops

You know what I hate about summer. I hate the sound of fucking flip flops. It drives me nuts. It's like the sound of techno music. Why the hell would anyone wear something where they have to scrunch up their toes just to keep the damn things on? What's the point? Letting your toes breathe? Buy a pair of fucking sandals then? What does someone say when they buy a pair of flip flops...I don't know these aren't as loud as a freight train, can I try another pair? Sandals yes and flip flops no.

Dark Knight

Saw the Dark Knight yesterday and am going to see it again. Best movie I've seen in a while. Heath Ledger is good as the Joker but the guy playing Two-Face is just as good. Glad they killed off the Katie Holmes/Maggie Didjamamallynhal character. Batman needs to be waxing the trim of the Catwoman not a prosecutor. I give it 4 stars. Good enough to see again for sure.

Looks like my crib is finally ready to move into. It's nicer than my apartment and has a nice yard for the fruit of my loins. She can run around and raise hell behind a nice large privacy fence. The yard is not big enough for a dog though. Cats might dig it if I let them back there.

Bigger posts to follow. Hope all had a groovy weekend.

El Feaze Shabazz

Journey of Epic Proportions Part Quatro

Day 4 of the Sojourn to the West...

So Moo and I left Missoula about 9ish, right after enjoying another fine breakfast buffet that was included in the price of the room. My Kokanee-fest from the night before did not linger and I was glad as I climbed into the spartan passenger cab of the Behemoth once more. Spokane lay some 200 miles to the East and anticipation was building. But first I would have to traverse two more mountain passes while taking in some of the most breathtaking scenery the Continental US has to offer. We got gas and stopped at rest stop and took in the incredible scenery and then it was time for Lookout Pass. This mountain pass is aptly named because looking to the right it is nothing but a sheer fucking drop off a cliff-side. The Behemoth chugged up the side of the mountain and then slid down with me actually growing religious and praying going down as I could feel the truck wanting to crazy on me. The pass is on the Montana/Idaho state line and now I was state closer to my final destination.

Mountain passes are fun in cars and murder in trucks. Once again the scenery was absolutely spectacular. Like the UP with bigger mountains or White Cloud on the weekend (I kid about the last one. I like working for Newaygo Co but White Cloud is the most useless county seat I've ever had the privilege of being in. Subject matter for another blog though.)

We traveled on for a few miles and then it was time for the 4th of July Pass, which was kind of cool cause it was afterall Fourth of Mo Fo July! Another moment of near martyrdom for me as going down the pass caused my heart to appear where my Adam's apple normally is. And then a beautiful vision lay before me to the left. Lo and behold-it was Couer d'Alene, Idaho with its mountains that sloped down into the lake. A very gorgeous body of water and now I was back in my old law school stomping grounds for Coeur d'Alene is only some 30/35 miles from Spokane. I have great memories of that large lake in Idaho, mostly chugging too many Kokanees and trying to work my mojo with witless 2L's and 1L's and getting shot down.

Another rest stop break and within minutes Mooniqua and I had crossed into Washington. The Evergreen State welcomed me into its bosom and I gladly accepted the embrace. I had made it to my state of destination. I was briefly crestfallen because the trip was almost over and I would have to start working again after a week off, but relieved that I had made it so far without wrecking the truck.

I took a quick detour to take my sister by Gonzaga's campus in Spokane and we lingered for a few minutes in front of the law school. I showed her the apartment building I lived in when I graduated and she was just as impressed with it as my wife had been when I had met her. I lovingly called the place the "Crack House" because in Detroit there would have been assorted homies dealing rocks out of each apartment. In Spokane it was student housing and damn good student housing where your building caught on fire and the Red Cross kept you up in a hotel at Spring Break, homeless people wandered across your yard at odd hours of the morning, stray cats got caught in the crawl space and died and stunk up the whole crib during the heat of summer and where strange homies knocked on your door at 130am and asked to be let in because supposedly their friend was there and you had to threaten them with the fact that you were from the D and had a baseball bat to deal with people who wanted to perform a little Home Invasion 1st Degree on your premises. Growing up outside of Detroit gives you some modicum of street smarts.

Of course I also showed my sister where the Bulldog Tavern was at where I enjoyed many a fine libation in an effort to make it through law school. And the Star Bar which was our post funk and Jack and Dan's (owned by John Stockton's dad) where we went on special occasions or when we had cash because they did not accept credit cards.

Soon we were back on the road and within two hours time we landed in Pasco after a quick detour through Ritzville in search of diesel for the behemoth. My in-laws were more than happy to see me and I was happy to have come so far and make it without incident. The Motor City Madman had landed in Eastern Washington much to the consternation of good churchgoing folk everywhere. The hops fields of the Northwest would never be the same.

El Feaze Shabazz

Journey of Epic Proportions Part Trois-Montana is f-ing huge but not as lame as Iowa!

Sorry for the slow updates. My new job has kept me busy. A shout out to all my peeps in the Imperial Land of Peninsulas-Eastside and Westside!

Thursday, July 3, early in the morning a charley horse made an appearance in my right calf and said hello. It hurt like a mo fo and my screams of pain woke my sister. That was exciting. Even more exciting was the scrumptious breakfast bar at the Trails End Motel which filled my belly and did not put me into gastrointestinal distress. The Trails End was kind of funky because it looked like a dump but the rooms featured pillow top mattresses. I guess they were under new ownership.

Mooniqua and I left Sheridan, WY with memories of horrid service at Pizza Hut and my Charlie Horse and pointed the Behemoth and the Grand Prix north towards Billings, Montana where I was to see one of my law school buds for the first time in 5 years. I was going to see Brandon "Hoss" Hartford again.

We made it to Billings about lunch time and were met my Hoss's wife Tina. We parked the vehicles, dropped the 2 fuzz balls off at the Hartford residence so their feline brains would not fry in the 100 degree heat and made a beeline for Hartford Law Offices, where my former law school associate, with whom I raised a fair amount of hell with, is raking in the dough as a private practice attorney. I saw Hoss for about an hour then Moo and I went out to lunch with his wife and Hoss's fertilized seed, who are adorable little tykes by the way. My sister was blessed to hear tales of what her brother did in law school and what his nickname was. It was good to see Hoss again. He was one of those friends that I have not seen in years but could immediately start bullshitting with with zero awkwardness. If Montana had reciprocity I could see myself teaming up with the esteemed barrister.

After lunch at Fuddruckers (incredible burgers!) Moo and I got back on I-90 and headed towards Missoula. In a car we would have made excellent time but the Behemoth plodded along, especially through the mountain passes. There were 2 of those and the first one outside of Bozeman was not too bad but the one outside of Butte was a monster. The Behemoth barely made it up and I could hear strange sounds coming from the transmission and strange smells filling my nose. Then going down I think I stripped the brake pads down to the metal with some sparks thrown in. I could hear my earthly possession bouncing around the back.

Montana has spectacular scenery and it was the first time Moo had the privilege to bear witness to it. I could see her head scanning the sides of the road like a rooster looking for food. Was kind of funny. Not funny was the fact that it was 100 degrees out and 20 degrees warmer in the cab of the behemoth. I felt like the toddler of a welfare mom locked in the backseat of a Kia in sweltering weather while momma went to get her nails done.

Eventually we made it to Missoula, which is a pretty kick ass town. We got a room, I took a shower to wash away the truck. I felt like I was back working for Galaxy Precision again. Ate an incredible dinner at Montana House and Moo was initiated into the ways of Montana with a pint of Moose Drool. She went to bed and I spied out of the corner of my eye a friendly tavern whose beer taps were in dire need of rescuing. So I bravely crossed Reserve St and entered the establishment, where half the staff was staggering drunk in response to a going away party. I quickly scanned the fine selection of libations and hark what did my orbs see? Why yes the familiar shape of a Kokanee tap. I had to enjoy 6 or 7 of those fine libations and I did while playing NTN trivia against one of the bar maids. Tomorrow was the day I broke the border into Washington. It would be a fine day indeed.

El Feaze Shabazz

The Journey of Epic Proportions Part Deux

The new job is starting to make sense. Some things it seems like they do ass backwards and other things would have worked well in Michigan. WA is much more touchy feely with their criminal defendants than the Imperial Homeland. Had a docket today in Grandview that was interesting, especially with a former judge arguing some bs Indian law motion. It was the most elegant motion argument I ever heard even though the argument itself was such utter bs I elbowed the DPA arguing counter to the motion and told him to mention that the Defendant had a WA drivers license and that she consented to the BAC when she obtained said drivers license. Ex-judge did not have a counter argument for that.

I got my check today which means I should be in new crib by next weekend.

So to continue chronicling the Curtessey. Well the Mooniqua Unit and I arose bright and early in N. Sioux City, SD ready to tackle the Badlands and any other obstacles in the way. First I had to intervene when some black gentleman decided to walk behind my sister and emulate sexual acts while he kept pace behind her. She was oblivious but I put a stop to it just by talking to her. Mr. Congeniality changed course and walked briskly over to his friends. Then we got on the road. The Badlands and Black Hills are a nice pre-funk to the West. To a naive Michigander they look huge but to a seasoned traveler they are nothing compared to the Rockies and Cascades. We pushed through admiring the mountains from the road then it was on into Wyoming where I was shocked to find that Gillette, Wyoming had actually grown into a miniature metropolis. Finally we made it to Sheridan and some real mountains (The Bighorns). Moo and I were tired as we sought refuge at the Trails End Motel and attempted to fill our bellies at a nearby Pizza Hut. We were almost foiled in our attempts at sustenance by a rather rude waitress who received a pittance for a tip from me, which is a big deal because I usually tip 20% regardless. That was $5 less she had to spend on recreational chemicals that evening.

I enjoyed a nightcap at the motel bar and it was off to slumberland where a rather nasty charley horse decided to wake me up about 3 am. I woke up feeling it coming on but the bed was so high that I could not get my foot on the floor fast enough to stop it. I woke Mooniqua up in a panic. Hilarious stuff.

We left again early in the morning but with our bellies full of the Trails End's kick ass breakfast buffet. BACON!!!! And lots of it. Enough to make Dr. Postema break a smile. Good chow for the journey 20 miles to the north and waiting challenge of Montana where my driving endurance would be put to the test. 4 mountain passes lay before me and the diesel truck along with 100 degree heat. One through Bozeman, 1 through Butte, and 2 past Missoula. Would I be found wanting? Find out next time...

El Feaze Shabazz

Chronicles of the Curtessey-Part 1

Sorry that it has been a few days since I posted. I started the new job on Monday and of course it is chaos when one starts a new job some 2300 miles away from home. WA's system is a little different than Michigan's. In some ways it gives defendants more breaks. Scott Walburn's head would explode if he saw some of the procedures I have seen such as "bail forefeiture" and "Stipulation of Continuance". They also offer deferrals on DUI's which would never I mean never have flown in Newaygo Co. DUI's are also pled down to reckless drivings. There is no "Impaired" and 5 DUI's is a felony. There are 5 District Ct Prosecutors in the unit I have been assigned to and my coworkers have all been very nice and helpful. There has been much turnover in the office and I have the most experience out of anyone there generally speaking. State of WA speaking I have a lot to catch up on but should be okay.

Anyway for the interested reader I present a chronicle of the Curtessey (read your Homer for the allusion)...the Journey of Epic Proportions. I bravely left the comfort of the Hartland Compound last Tuesday, July 1, to take a treacherous cross-country journey in a 26 foot diesel Penske truck (hereinafter "The Behemoth") with my sister, Lady Moo or Mooniqua Unit, and the two felines trailing behind in the Grand Prix. We got on the road about 6:15 am and it was only a matter of hours before we had to stop for gas just over the Indiana border. Of course no one told me about satellite pumps at diesel islands at truck stops. I did not learn that until Iowa. Diesel fuel looks like Mountain Dew and smells like ass.

Indiana is not that bad except for Gary, which smells like the bathroom of a proctologist's office. Traffic in Chicago was not that bad, but I also took I-80 to avoid the brunt of it. The rest of Illinois was like a blur. Then came Iowa. I hate driving through Iowa. Despise driving through the fricking place and despise the traffic in Des Moines. The fricking place went on forever. I had one goal and one goal in mind-to get the hell out of Iowa. Towards the end we valiantly strove on just to pass the border of this despicable place and finally were rewarded with the dingleberry part of South Dakota that sticks down into gaping maw of Iowa and Nebraska. There Moo and I retired for the night exhausted from rough days journey. We had driven more than 800 miles with little or no rest. Tomorrow would be much the same.

(to be continued...)

El Feaze Shabazz

Project: Curtessey A Success

I rolled into Pasco, WA yesterday at approximately 4pm Pacific time. The Journey of Epic Proportions, comparable to the Odyssey of Homeric times is a success. Now I have to unload the crap. I'll post a more detailed blog detailing the specifics of the trip in a day or 2. All I can say is that Iowa is hell to drive through.